As you know from my website, I talk a lot about the struggles that I have with my monsters. It is no secret that my faith has been rocked by events in my life over the years. I am in no way making excuses , just stating the facts.
Both my mom and dad were Christians. As for me, I received the Lord into my life on August 9, 1977...I remember that night very well. Over the last 3+ decades, I have been strong in my faith but I have also gone through times of weakness. My Christian journey can be best described as a heavy weight title boxing match where I slug it out with Beelzebub for 15 rounds.
I can certainly understand the Apostle Paul's words from Romans 7:15, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." (NIV)
For me, it's more like my buddy Homer Simpson saying, "D'Oh! D'Oh!, D'Oh!" every time he messes up. Actually, upon further reflection, I think more realistically for me, when I mess up I usually blurt out anatomically incorrect phrases using seven letter modifiers to express sexual acts that are seemingly impossible unless you are in Cirque du Soleil. Or I simply retreat and just let the monsters win. Neither of which make me proud or happy to report.
So, what am I to do? I am not going to give up. I've been down the road to giving up many times. Trust me...it is dark and it is scary.
I remember jokingly telling someone that when I pray, I say, "And lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself, Lord..." Perhaps I am my own worst enemy. I know I am harder on myself than anyone ever could be. I just don't feel like I will ever measure up to the place where God would want me to be.
Well, without becoming Billy Bummer, let's just say that life is tough and sometimes I do get knocked down but with God's help, I'll continue to stagger back over to the ropes, pull myself up and keep fighting.
Be Well.
Bill
