Last night I had an epiphany. It was like the light bulb finally lit up inside my head. After all these years, I finally realized that I hold grudges...and by hold, I mean, like forever, I just can't let go. Maybe deep down I knew it but I never really thought about it or the impact it subconsciously has in my life.
I came to this conclusion last night, in the car, on our way back from Cracker Barrel after I had a nice Breakfast Sampler meal with a tall glass of tomato juice. Maybe it was the combination of grape jelly, tomato juice and grits that caused my cerebral cortex to malfunction causing me to experience the bright lights inside my head but I'm not sure. My wife said that maybe the reason I hold grudges is because there are so many great experiences with people that they tend to get lost but the bad experiences are so few that they are easy to remember. Perhaps... Or maybe it is because the people who have wronged me in my life have pissed me off so bad that no amount of confession or counselling will ever erase the memories of those destroyers of delight in my mind.
Some of the culprits are family members and the rest are just mutants I've encountered along life's journey. I know I should just get over things and move on. My tendency is to just absorb the blow and move on, never fully dealing with the individual, the comments or actions. Looking back, I know that is not the best way to handle conflict. Some of these grudges go back a long way.
More recently, I've learned to speak my mind and deal with matters head on. When it comes to family, that, sometimes, is a little more tricky for some reason. Most of the time, I just avoid family gatherings and keep the peace. My fear is that one day I'm going to erupt like Mount St. Helens. That won't be good for anybody.
Well, now I can add one more title to my illustrious resume - Grudge Holder. I'm not proud of it but I've heard that admitting you have a problem is the first step to making it better. We'll see how that works.
Be Well.
Bill
