As you know, Planet Kirby was started as a means of therapy to help me in my quest to cope with the world around me. Over the years feelings that were trapped deep inside me seemed to come flowing out in the words that I was writing. Not only were the words therapeutic but with each passing comma and period, I was getting closer to unearthing the reasons for my insanity.
Recently, I've realized that I have a problem with forgiveness. The problem is really two-fold. I have a problem with forgiving others but I have an even bigger problem forgiving myself. I have admitted repeatedly that I am not perfect and that I do struggle to be a Christian in a non-Christian society. So we must now add 'Not a Forgiver' to my list of imperfections.
Looking back, to say that I've never forgiven anyone would be inaccurate. But there are a few egregious human beings that I have not been able to muster the power or compassion to forgive. I have always thought that I was one of those people who go through life with a "Live and Let Live" mentality but evidently not. The unforgiven actions of people who have wronged me over the years continue to eat at me like a ravenous cancer; killing me from the inside. As bad as that may seem, it pales in comparison to the hatred I feel towards myself.
Those of you who know me will know that I am not a bad person. I just have a bad self image. I don't really like myself or some of the things I've done in my life. I can turn the smallest of self imperfections into the largest and most grandiose of faults. I have seen my enemy and it is me. Honestly, I do not know why that is. I have been blessed in this life, and yet, I go through life seeing my life through a dark cloud.
Each day that I write, I continue to chip away at the monsters that have invaded my psyche. That being said, writing has become the medicine that helps to heal my soul. While writing has been good for my soul, what I really need for Christmas is for everyone, who reads these words, to pray for me. That's all. Just pray for me. Please, won't you just take a moment now and ask God to bring some healing to Brother Bill?
I'm up for a Christmas miracle, how about you?
Bill
