Today my wife and I went to Walmart. I was determined that if we had to go to that destination where weird meets walking dead then we might as well have fun with it. Let the games begin.
As we entered the store, we noticed that something had gone terribly wrong. There was no greeter. What had happened to One Arm Willy? Where was his oxygen tank? As I surveyed the store my eyes were marveled by the sea of humanity that were shoving their way through the aisles. This "filled to capacity" scenario was perfect for what I had in mind.
As we headed toward the food section of our Super Walmart, I grabbed this 4 pack of tissues and set my sights on my first unsuspecting victim. That's right, I had purposed in my heart that I was going to play a nice round of "cart stuffing" while we shopped the "roll back" aisles of Walmart. So, just who was I going to make my bitch?
The first target was pretty easy. It was a red-headed dork who had left his cart in the middle of the soda aisle while he ventured off to buy himself some ladies underwear or something. He got the tissue 4 pack added to his cart. I was reaching for a nice bottle of orange soda to add to his bounty when he unexpectedly did a turn around and headed back to his cart. Whew!
I left the aisle and grabbed a big bag of cookies and set off tracking my next victim. It was a family of four who decided that one cart wasn't enough. Their tractor-trailer shopping cart combo was the perfect target. They had so much stuff that they wouldn't notice another package of cookies. And besides, the kids would probably appreciate my act of random kindness. As they left their carts to venture down the candy aisle, I shot the cookies into their cart like a laser-guided missile. Two for Two.
My third target was a grey-haired lady who looked like she could use a little Uncle Ben's Wild Rice in her life. While she turned her back to the cart of adult diapers and sundry grocery items, I did the Pistol Pete behind-the-back toss of wild rice right into her cart. And then I remembered....Donna! She had sent me off to pick up stuff from the meat section and I had totally forgot. Making a nice save, I retrieved my mastaconic treasures, found my lovely bride and deposited the items into our cart.
As we made our way to the register, I told her of my adventures in silliness and then I started pointing out all of my victims. She grabbed me by the arm and told me I was being too obvious and to help her get our stuff out of the cart for the cashier. I guess one of us has to be the adult in the relationship. I'm glad it's her.
My only regret about today's Wally World Adventure is this... I should have stuffed some stuff into our cart. Like those Hershey Bars with Almonds or some Hubba Bubba or the Jelly Belly's. Maybe next time.
Be Well.
Bill
