Somewhere along my life's journey I lost my self confidence or at the very least I seem to have misplaced it. I'm not sure when or where it happened but it vanished just like Amelia Earhart's plane.
Now you would think that getting one's self confidence back would be pretty easy but it's not and believe me I have tried. Maybe it's because I can't point to one thing or one incident where I could definitively say when and where I lost it. But recently, something happened in my life that allowed me to look deep inside myself to a place where confidence and dreams go when they are lost.
I was part of leadership group that had just spent some time hiking up one of the Catskill mountains and we were now congregating on a ledge several hundred feet above a rocky gorge. As part of our journey, we were to take turns standing on the very edge of our rocky perch, arms straight out to our sides, and lean forward over the edge. Now, of course, we were tethered and there was an experienced instructor holding onto the rope coaching us to lean further and further out over the edge but it was still a daunting challenge.
It is no secret that I am afraid of two things in this life. The first is snakes and the second is heights. Actually, I'm not afraid of heights, I am afraid of falling from heights. As I stood back contemplating my fate, I must have unknowingly withdrawn from the group and I was soon embraced by one of my classmates asking me what I was afraid of. You would have thought that I would have said falling off the cliff but I didn't. I had no answer. It was as if something deep within me had taken over my mind and body causing me to slip into the Twilight Zone.
Sensing my dementia, my classmate encouraged me to think about how blessed I've been in my life and how successful I've been in my career. To focus on the positive things in my life and to remember how loved I am by my family and friends. Still locked in my friends embrace, we stood there for another moment saying nothing and then it was my turn to be on the edge of the cliff. As I got hooked in to the tether, I began to think about my life and how blessed I've been. As my toes inched out over the rock face, I thought about my family and how fortunate I was to have this opportunity to experience God's creation all around me. As I leaned further and further over the edge my instructor admonished me to look around and enjoy the view. He told me to take my time and soak it in.
For a brief moment, on that mountain, it was just me and God. For that one solitary moment, I seemed to have blocked out everything that was going on around me and I just appreciated my life and this wonderful journey that I've been on for the last 55 years. It was amazing.
I've had some time to reflect on my time at the top of the mountain. On that day, my emotions ranged from paralyzing fear to a sense of overwhelming gratitude. Looking back, it wasn't the experience on the edge of the cliff that brought on the fear, it was the prelude to being on the edge that crippled me. It was the thought of not being in control and putting my trust in others that almost caused me to miss one of the most awesome experiences of my life. Once my mind was in the right place all fear subsided. It wasn't until I focused on God and His goodness that I could enjoy the view from the clouds.
My confidence was hidden deep away amongst the cares of this life and in worrying about things that might or might not happen. Once I changed my focus, I saw my life in a whole new light.
One of my classmates captured a photo of me and my death defying tilt over the edge. I carry it with me all of the time. It helps me to remember that I'm still the same confident Kirby Kid that I've always been; sometimes I just need to remember that the view from the top of the mountain is pretty amazing in order to see it.
Be well.
Bill
